This isn't so bad after all!

I've finally figured out how to adjust this cast to where it is actually quite surprisingly comfortable and extremely easy to wear. You inflate it first then fasten the straps, not the other way around. That way, you can set the inflation for maximum support and comfort and in so doing, I can actually walk quite normally and at my regular pace. All this means that facing three long months of wearing it almost permanently (except for bathing and driving) until the end of summer won't be so bad after all. I'll be able to get around quite well, easily and comfortably. If I had to wear anything full time in the high heat of summer, this is perhaps the easiest thing to have to do it in. It sure beats a plaster cast, which I would not have been able to take off at all. The only difference is that I can take this off, but as mentioned before, only if bathing and driving. It must stay on the rest of the time, though. I was wearing a polar fleece sock under it because fleece wicks away perspiration, but it doesn't breathe, so I switched to a SmartWool sock, which I have decided is what I am going to use to wear under this for the rest of the summer since wool breathes. I'm sure some of you are thinking, wow, isn't that going to get hot? Yeah, it is, but I have heard that this is the favored thing to wear in just such a cast as this one. I've got plenty of wool socks to wear so I can change socks on a regular basis. I'm also keeping one of my right Crocs in the car as a "driving shoe" so I always have something there to switch off to when I am going to drive somewhere. At least when I travel this summer, I will not have to even think about packing any right shoes! All I will have to remember is to grab my left shoes and pack them, so it's going to work out to my advantage not to be able to wear any of my right shoes all summer. I'll just throw them under the bed and forget about them till around Labor Day or so. Just so I have my left shoes in good repair, that's all I am going to need for the rest of the summer! So that, to me, is a really good part of all of this that I actually kind of like! See, there is always a silver lining in any situation. You can always find the good parts of anything, I like to say, and the fact that my right shoes will be retired for the summer is one really good thing about this entire situation of being in a cast until sometime around or after Labor Day. So farewell to my right shoes for a few months. I'll see you again in the fall!

47 YEARS AGO TODAY

On May 29, 1961, forty seven years ago today, our dad died from injuries suffered in a car accident several weeks before. It wasn't long after my 4th birthday and quite frankly, I really don't remember much about him except for a few shadowy memories. I wish I could remember more about him, but I just don't. Most of my memories are of spending Memorial Day each year going to the cemetery to plant flowers and clean up the grave site. As for what I do remember, sometimes those are brought to the forefront by a smell or a photograph or some other thing that triggers a memory. The last memories I have of him are of a trip that we took to his parents' home in West Virginia. I don't remember how old I was at the time but I do remember bits and pieces about the trip and of being there. I don't think it was that long before Daddy died that we went on this trip but I can't say for certain when exactly we went. It's just another one of those fragmentary memories that has lingered over the decades like so many other tiny fragments. It's a bit like looking at shards of glass and trying to interpret what the item looked like before it broke. That is often how I feel when I try to reconstruct lost memories of that time in my life. It makes me sad that all I have are these few little fragments of memories to go on that I hope and pray will not disappear the older I get. I know that as time goes by, it gets harder for me to remember certain parts of my life and I worry about those fading into oblivion as I age. I suppose I ought to write down now what I remember before things do begin to fade from my memory. I'm already experiencing a maddening syndrome of memory loss that apparently is quite normal for middle age, from all the literature that I have read - you know, where did I put my keys, glasses, what the heck is that person's name (I should know them!), etc. Memories of my father, what few remain over time, are too precious to lose. So I suppose I should record them so I don't ever lose them.

Restored to glory

Our dad's grave no longer looks like a shabby, sad and neglected grave, thanks to the heroic efforts of my brother and his girlfriend. On Memorial Day, they went out to the cemetery and tore out the dead yew trees that were on either side of our dad's headstone, planted new ones and put in some lovely, albeit late-in-the-season purple phlox, perennials which I have been assured will bloom in their glory next spring around the time of my birthday in April. Last year, I made sure that our dad's grave site got a WWII veteran's marker so that each year on Memorial Day, he'd be recognized for his service during that conflict. So between that, the new trees and the flowers, which admittedly right now don't look like they will next year, it makes me proud to see our dad's grave site look newly restored and obviously tended to. The old yew trees that had been there for over 40 years were, well, accidentally killed by our obviously well meaning brother, who overpruned them back to their stumps and promised us that they'd grow back....which they didn't. But now these new yews are pretty young little trees which we hope to keep small so that they do not grow so much as to hide the headstone as they have in years past. There are other headstones in the same cemetery whose yews have grown too big as to be able to see the headstones they grace, and we don't want our dad's headstone to fall victim to the same fate. When we were kids, we used to feel sorry for the grave sites that looked neglected and we used to wonder why they were. I never wanted our dad's grave site to look that way and for any number of years, it did look sad and ignored, simply because none of us ever bothered to go out and tend the headstone. Now it seems like we're being more attentive and wanting Daddy's grave site to look tended to. And I'm glad. I'd hate for someone to look at it and wonder why the family never came out any more to spruce it up occasionally and feel sad that it looked so neglected, like no one cared anymore. Well, I am glad that we are making an effort again to clean, tend, prune and plant to make it look like someone does care and still loves and remembers our dad, even though we were mostly too young to remember him when he died.

OK, I CAN DO THIS.......

I've been freaking out about the almost certain fact that my right leg will be in a cast until the end of summer, but now I am reaching a point of acceptance, where I know that no matter how much railing against it I do, there is nothing I can do to change this fact that I will have to lug around this heavy thing for 3 long hot summer months. It's just the cold, hard reality of things and the quicker I accept it, the faster I can move on to deal with other things in my life. Three months is the medical standard for what I have, which is degenerative tendinopathy of the Achilles tendon and my doctor pretty much indicated that I can expect to wear it for at least that long. He didn't pull any punches or try to sugar coat things with me and it could still mean surgery at the end of the 3 months I am stuck wearing this thing. I won't know until the end of summer what the ultimate verdict could be, but for the time being, I am coming to accept my fate of gimping around in a heavy cast for the rest of this summer. I'm quickly learning how to walk in it and to try to find ways of adapting, since I have to wear it full time and can only remove it to drive or shower. Stairs are a real challenge. I can only take them one step at a time, both up and down, and this is maddeningly slow to do. I don't know how I am going to be able to do laundry, since it's going to be tough to haul a heavy load of laundry up and down the stairs. I'm almost wishing now that I lived in a ground floor level apartment. But again, I will learn how to adapt to this new situation in my life over the long months that I will be living with this cast on my leg. Over time, I am sure that I will master doing things differently and it won't be so hard once I am a little more used to it.

Why do doctors call us "patients"?

I've always found it odd that doctors use the word "patient" to describe someone in their care. I mean, if anything, most "patients" I know are anything but patient. I know I'm not. Whenever I am ill such that I require prescription meds to get better, I always ask for the most aggressive thing they've got to hasten my recovery. When given three choices as to what protocol I wanted to do with my left index finger recently, I chose the most aggressive one, that being surgery, to guarantee that the mucous cyst I had would not reappear. Some small part of me wishes that my orthopaedic surgeon had put a permanent plaster cast on my leg, thereby guaranteeing that I would not fall prey to temptation to do things I am not supposed to do. Sure, it would mean giving up driving for the summer, and that's one freedom I did not want to sacrifice (and I wouldn't want to be a burden on others by needing rides everyplace for the entire summer). So while I am glad that I have a removable air cast, still, the idea of having to keep it on the entire day, every day, which is what I am supposed to do, for at least the next 6 weeks, is already driving me crazy. And the idea that it's entirely likely that I will have to wear this cast all summer, since that's what I have read is the standard medical protocol for this kind of injury, it makes me even crazier to consider having to wear a cast for 3 months, during the hottest part of the year. I know that it's helping and that it may well mean avoiding surgery later this year (I hope!), but it does not make it any easier to cope with. I do my best to keep my cast on the entire day unless I have to shower or drive. Even if it's really warm outside like it is today. In fact, this morning, I "gimped" downtown to the Memorial Day parade and found it exhausting just to walk in this thing. I was hot, sweaty and tired by the time I got home, and it's only a few short blocks! I felt like I'd really worked out taking such a short walk! Guess this is a preview of what I am in for this entire summer. A long, hot slog through the season with my leg in a hot black air cast. I'm already trying to prepare myself for the very certain and quite strong possibility of wearing this until the end of summer. The doctor told me that it would most likely be that long before I am out of it, and I see him again in 6 weeks to find out when I can get out of it. I'm prepared to be told, not for a few more months. That will certainly tax my patience!

Just call me "Gimpy"

For a rather long time now, the Achilles tendon on my right, or good leg, has been bothering me a lot. I finally went to my orthopaedic surgeon to have it looked at and he recommended physical therapy, which I just completed 6 weeks of. However, that didn't seem to calm down the pain that I was experiencing, so when I went back to him for a 6 week check up, he told me that the tendon was, in places, feeling as if it had experienced some deterioration and also had some microtears along it, meaning that it was still in danger of rupture. So I have been put in an air cast for what may possibly be the entire summer, or it could only be 6 weeks. Either way, I am stuck in a cast until at least July 3rd. It's hard to discipline myself to keeping it on, especially on these warmer days. But if I had been put in a plaster cast, I wouldn't have been able to drive, so instead, he recommended this removable one that will still allow me to be able to take it off to do so. It's exhausting trying to walk around in this heavy thing, which is another reason I don't particularly like wearing it. But I know I have to, so I do try to keep it on as much as possible, from the time I wake up until bedtime. It's going to significantly slow me down this summer, to be sure, but I can still do some things that I like to do. I can take walks while wearing it, for example. I can still pretty much do my job with no real limitations. Jason has already modified my workouts to compensate for this injury, so I will be in a "transitional training program" just like I was all last summer due to a knee injury last year. So I can still workout, albeit in a much modified and far gentler program than the one that I have been in for so long now. But since I've already been in Jason's "transitional training" once before, I know what to expect, so there are never any surprises there. What a way to spend the summer, stuck in a cast. Great. I just hope that I won't end up needing surgery on my ankle, because my doctor did mention that there is still a possibility of my having to do this as a next step. So we'll see if that is down the road for me, but I hope not, because if he does operate, it will more than likely be in late summer/early fall, just in time for the Summit MetroParks Fall Hiking Spree. And I do not want to miss that!

NOT YET........
I thought that by the time I saw the hand surgeon this past Tuesday, that I'd be done and overwith as far as this whole surgical procedure thing was concerned, but apparently, I still have a long road to full recovery ahead. It's going to be another month before the whole thing is entirely healed, so the whole thing will have taken 6 weeks from surgery to recovery. I'm still going to have to undergo either occupational or physical therapy on it to regain lost range of motion, and that's probably going to take several weeks before I can move it normally. I am still keeping it fairly immobilized because several times, I have mashed my finger on things and the doctor was very specific about my protecting it because of the nature of the surgery on it. So I still have to take very delicate care of it until my 6 weeks are up, putting me through late June before I can really return to full normal activity with it. Between that and my right ankle, I'd say it's going to be one long summer. I almost feel like my body's 50 year warranty gave out! Suddenly, the many miles I've put on this body are beginning to catch up to it and I am beginning to feel a bit like my old VW, slowly falling apart piece by piece. As they say, it ain't the age, it's the miles, and I guess in my case, that's very true! I'm going to spend my summer all banged up and bandaged up and looking like I've been in a bad accident or something, when in fact, it's just two parts of me needing repair that happened to come at the same time. And that's not the first time that's happened. I had tennis elbow and tendonitis of the knee at the same time in late 2006 and had to wear braces on both joints at the same time. Well, that's what I get for being a tad hard on my middle aged body, but oh, well, by Labor Day, I expect to be back to full strength again. In fact, that's my summer goal, to be mended, healed and back to myself again in time for the Fall Hiking Spree!

They've got us over a barrel

Gas is now flirting with $4 a gallon ($3.99 a gallon, so figure, yeah, it's already up to $4, so to speak) and the oil companies literally have us over a barrel. They know that we need gas to run our cars and oil to run - and produce - just about everything else, so Wall Street speculators can run up the price of oil as high as they want and not suffer the consequences, because they're all filthy rich anyway and it really doesn't pain them to fill up at such high prices. But for the rest of us, we're all wondering how on earth we can manage to make it in this economy. I've literally been reduced to living paycheck to paycheck, with no ability to save any money whatsoever. And I'm hardly living beyond my means, either. Just paying monthly bills, filling my car with gas and buying groceries, in addition to paying for ridiculous health care costs, is leaving me scrambling to figure out how on earth I am going to survive on the $25,000 a year I currently make. There is literally no slack in the budget anymore. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It costs me literally almost every dime I make a month just to survive on bare bones basics. I don't know how people expect us to live in this wildly inflated economy. I'm stressed so badly that it's driven my blood pressure to higher levels. I try to bargain shop but there are very few bargains out there anymore. I could live on cheap junk food, but that would be detrimental to my health. I'd rather spend the extra money to eat healthy foods, but it's killing my budget to do so. Why are healthier options priced such that they practically become a privilege for the wealthy? Is it any wonder that health care costs are skyrocketing, when low income people are forced to eat cheap unhealthy foods while the well heeled get to enjoy a healthier diet and can afford higher priced organic foods? I tell you, I am quite surprised that a revolution hasn't broken out in the streets over what's happened to this country. The rich are getting richer and the rest of us are forced to "eat cake", so to speak. Where is the righteous anger over the inequality in this country? Why aren't people out demanding an end to this increasingly aristocratic country club set who are benefitting off of our misery? If gas gets any higher than it already is - and there are predictions of it going as high as $5 a gallon by Labor Day - I may be forced to quit my job because I will no longer be able to afford to drive there anymore. I'd hate to do that after 25 years, when I had so hoped to get in my 30 years and retire, but the economic situation is forcing me to rethink my long-term plans. That it's come to this point in my life is terribly sad, quite frankly. And we can blame the Republicans, who sought a restoration of the Imperial Presidency that almost happened under Nixon, only he got caught and was forced to resign, and the NeoCons have been dreaming of an Imperial Restoration ever since. Well, they got their wish, only it's probably forever damaged the system of checks and balances we once had that was guaranteed by the Constitution. Future presidents will have the ability to pick up the tools that Bush has put into place and use them against us, and that's a dangerous loaded weapon to leave lying around in the White House. Time to defuse it immediately before it becomes a ticking time bomb.

THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY
I suppose that the good thing about gas being so expensive now is that it will force much more conservation. People are already ditching their gas guzzlers in search of smaller, more fuel efficient cars. It may also hasten reseach and development of alternative green fuel sources. It's still probably a decade off before we can find some way to completely extricate ourselves from oil, but if we start now, we can get a good head start and create high paying "green collar" jobs that will jumpstart our lagging economy. I know that as far as the current administration is concerned, nothing is going to happen in its waning months where any of this is concerned. But if fortune should favor us and a Democrat is elected this fall, we may yet stand a chance of a huge wave of environmentalism and solutions to our oil problem. Now, the bad thing about what's going on right now with higher gas prices is that it's driving the price of everything else up so fast that it's fueling inflation to where the gap between rich and poor is getting wider literally by the day. I find it odd that the steep price hikes in oil are happening just as the Bush administration is winding down to its exit from the White House. It looks to me like there are fears among oil men that a Democrat will take over next January and start serious environmental measures that get us eventually off of oil, so my guess is that they are all making hay while the sun shines, so to speak. That's my theory, anyway. I think that they are wildly speculating on Wall Street now so that they can make their fortunes while a business friendly president still resides in the White House. The ugly thing about all of this is that countries who make their fortunes off of oil are already doing their level best to inflict as much pain on Americans as they possibly can in punishment for our disastrous Middle Eastern policies. So while there are good and bad things about all of this, I am hard pressed to feel too optimistic that Americans will adapt very easily to these higher gas prices and do something constructive about it. People are quick to complain but slow to act. Unfortunately, we need to both complain and act now, before the price of gas puts us all in the poorhouse.

Just a few more days....

On Tuesday, May 20th, I go back to the hand surgeon to get my sutures removed from my finger. Hopefully, that will be it and I will be done and over with this whole thing and I hope that the ganglion does not reappear ever again. It's been challenging enough trying to do things without being able to use my left index finger, like typing, for example. I make a lot of typos and end up spending more time going back and fixing them all. It takes me about three times longer to type with the remaining fingers of my left hand because every word I type needs to be fixed. Tying my shoes is also very challenging and it takes me forever to do that as well. Washing my hair one handed (because I cannot get my sutures wet) takes forever since my hair is so long. I tie my left hand up in a plastic bag and hope that it manages to keep my hand dry enough to protect my sutures until they are removed. I will be very glad to have this entire thing done and overwith once and for all. I was going to just have a bandaid over the incision after my doctor took off all the heavy bandaging on Friday but then I kept forgetting to be careful with my left hand and banged it a few times on things and also almost forgot to keep it out of the sink when doing things. So I re-bandaged my hand in order to remind myself that I had surgery and I haven't yet gotten the stitches out. Not for a few more days. Wrapping it in bandaging also pads it so that when I do bang it on something, it won't hurt as much. It's still surprisingly tender for having been operated on 10 days ago. I suppose it will be for a while yet. My finger is also very stiff and I have lost significant range of motion that will need to be restored. I've got some thera-putty left over from when I had my tennis elbow rehabbed in physical therapy in late 2006 so I suppose I can still use that to work on getting my finger back to full function again. I've also got Chinese medicine balls that I can use to work it as well. So I am all set to do my own rehab on it once I get the bandages off and sutures out. Just a few more days of this, that's all. I'm bearing up well under the circumstances.

Panic attack!

I'm almost embarrassed to admit this now, but today I had what I suspect was a bit of a panic attack. I had to go see my primary care doctor for just a routine quarterly check up, since I am being treated for a bit of depression in addition to rosacea. Anyway, I still had the bandages on my left hand from surgery last week and I was too afraid to take them off myself, so I had my doctor do it. The incision doesn't look as bad as I imagined and the sutures are very neatly done. Anyway, the cleaned up the wound and I also mentioned a bad earache I had earlier this week that was a result of earwax impacted up inside my left ear that I was going to have removed today as well. While the doctor went to fetch the nurse to do the job, I suddenly felt light headed, dizzy and felt like I was going to black out. It was really scary and the doctor rushed back in and had my lie down and asked me if I was having chest pains. I did, a little bit, so the doctor ordered an EKG and asked if I had ever had a stress test. Well, yes, less than 6 months ago I did, and the doctor found it in my folder and said yes, indeed, I'd just had those tests done last fall and they were normal, but I still had to have an EKG, which turned up nothing out of the ordinary. The doctor also ordered some blood work be done - never a bad idea, frankly, so I had a blood draw as well. The nurse who did that did a great job and I never felt the needle go in. I hate needles to begin with and they scare the daylights out of me, but it was over before I knew it. Of course, I will have to pay the lab fee since my insurance does not pay for any diagnostic work (and when my doctor asked me who my insurer was, and when I told him, he scoffed, "Well, yeah, they don't pay for anything!"). But oh, well, more toward my deductible for the year, I guess. Doesn't take long anymore to reach the yearly $1000 required before insurance kicks in. Just a few tests here and there and before you know it, you've spent your out-of-pocket deductible for the year. Don't get me started. Don't even get me started! Anyway, to make a long story short, I recovered enough to drive home, and the doctor's nurse even called me later in the day to see how I was feeling and to schedule me back in on Monday to irrigate my left ear to remove the impacted wax up in there that caused my earache. I appreciated their calling me back a few hours later to see how I was feeling. I think I gave them a good scare for the day, anyway. But no better place for something like that to happen than your doctor's office where they can take care of the problem!

THAT'S TWO OF US WITH STITCHED FINGERS!
When I went to the doctor's office today, which is right across the way from where I receive physical therapy, I noticed that Jason (pictured left), my physical therapist, had his left thumb all bandaged up. After my doctor appointment, I stopped into the PT office to talk to Jason to find out just what the heck he did. Well, he was working on his bathroom last night around 11:15 p.m. when he cut his hand open on some broken glass, knicked a tendon and had to also get some stitches. He was bugging me just Wednesday afternoon about how long I had kept my hand bandaged after last week's surgery and was telling me that the next time he saw me, he wanted to see that bandage OFF! Well, I had my doctor take it off today, so I wanted to show off the fact that yes, now it's off, but.....now the tables are turned and I get to bug HIM! So that makes two of us who have bandaged up left hands. I can certainly sympathise with what he's feeling because a number of years ago, I cut the bottom of my right thumb on a broken glass in the kitchen sink and had to have stitches for a few weeks. Jason said that he's going to see my orthopaedic surgeon in seven days, probably the same day that I will see him, to get the sutures removed. I just hope for his sake that the knicked tendon won't cause any permanent damage. In the meantime, I guess he'll have to learn to cope with not being able to use his thumb. At least it's his left hand, but still, that can be very tough. I've been learning this past week how to do things without my left index finger and that's been challenging enough. I now have just a bandaid on it and it's quite stiff from a week of being so bandaged up, but I am sure that I will regain some range of motion in it soon enough. Part of why I went over to PT after seeing the doctor was to ask Jason what to do about my finger and he told me to s-t-r-e-t-c-h it as much as possible. I just wonder if I'll need a bit of rehab on it for a few weeks or if it will unstiffen on its own. Guess I will find out Tuesday when I get the sutures out.

New and improved! (Not!)

We got this new circulation system at work that went live yesterday and like anything, it's rife with numerous bugs. We're finding out just how many and what fixes are going to be needed and I suspect that things are going to be a tad fouled up for a while until everything gets smoothed over. I don't see what was wrong with our previous system other than the fact that we'd been using it probably for at least a decade or so. This new system seems so much more complicated and harder to work with than our previous one. It doesn't strike me as that user-friendly and that's my main beef with it. Too many buttons to push, too many commands, too many complicated procedures that can only serve to slow things down even more than they used to be. I doubt that librarians designed it or sold it and the folks upstairs in what we call "mahogany row" aren't librarians by training (except for our director), so they don't think like librarians. As a result, they buy us equipment that mostly does not work for what we do and they also do not bother to seek the input of the employees who are the end users of what they buy. So once again, it appears that we've been sold a bill of goods, just like our first automated circulation system, "TLM", or, "The Library Machine", which was perfectly awful. Dynix, which we have been using for many years now, has worked quite well and has been good for us, but I understand that the reason they dumped it is that it is no longer supported and they needed a software system that came with full tech support, so they got this thing that so far, no one likes. Maybe if they made it far easier to use and eliminated so many of the redundant commands and other crap, it'd be better, but so far, I can't say that I can find anything positive to say about it. But then again, it's only in its second day of live use, so maybe in time, it will get better. One can only hope.

THE ORTHOPAEDIC WARD

We've jokingly begun calling our department at work "The Orthopaedic Ward". Seems we've got a lot of "walking wounded" these days. One person broke her big toe by dropping something heavy on it and has to wear a special boot on her foot, one person is having her hip replaced in a few weeks and is limping around on a cane, and I had hand surgery last week and I'm still bandaged up from that. My sutures will come out next week and I won't be limited anymore in what I can do, and quite frankly, as long as I don't use the finger that had the operation, I can still use my left hand to do just about any task that I normally do on a day-to-day basis. I also have Achilles tendonitis and am in rehab for that, but it doesn't affect my work each day except for having to leave early twice a week for my rehab appointments and the occasional limp when the ankle stiffens up from sitting too long. Still, it is kind of funny how three of us right now have medical issues that make this department look like sitting in the waiting room of an orthopaedic surgeon's office. At least we're trying to laugh at it and poke fun at ourselves being a bunch of walking wounded. This is what you get when you work with mostly middle aged people 40 and over. Stuff happens when you're our age, and we don't mend as fast as we once did when we were younger. With any luck, by summer's end, we'll all be completely mended from our various problems, back in good shape and at full strength again.

What, me, worry?

It's now five days post-surgery and I find out that I was supposed to be off work for one week after the operation. Well, I did not know that. There was some suggestion that I stay home for a week but I figured that they would tell me the day of surgery what they did and how involved it was and whether it would require more than a day or so off. I did not get a chance to discuss anything with the surgeon regarding any kind of post-surgical care and what to expect and what all was done. I found out that I did have bone spurs removed in addition to the cyst and reading up on that on medical web sites, that is symptomatic of osteoarthritis. If, indeed, I have the beginnings of that in my hands, it would depress the hell out of me, because that would mean that I can expect degenerative arthritis in the one part of my body that I use a lot. As it is, I have been feeling a bit depressed as a result of this whole thing because I am concerned about whether or not I made the right decision about having surgery vs. opting for doing nothing or just having a simple aspiration of the synovial fluid causing the problem. I am quite sure that my insurance will not cover this surgery and that I will be socked for some astronomical sum of money that I am also sure that I will not be able to afford. I'm only getting a measly $300 as a part of this so-called "economic stimulus" thing, which is just going to be used to help pay off some other old debt that I need to clear up. Gas is rapidly approaching $4 a gallon, food is outrageously expensive, my heat bills are ridiculous for how small my apartment is and I am struggling to keep my head above water on $25,000 a year. Add medical expenses to that and I am feeling very seriously squeezed and no one is doing anything about this. It's very rapidly becoming apparent that in order to survive, I may need a second part time job just to make some extra cash, even as tired as I am at the end of one full time job. I don't really have a desire to work a 60 hour workweek like most people I know do, but if things continue as they are, I may need to work nights and weekends in addition to full time days just to be able to survive this economy.

Anyway, I guess I am just kind of freaking out about the idea that I may have begun developing degenerative osteoarthritis, and I'm only 51 years old. Of course, I won't know anything until I speak to the surgeon next week and get the low-down on what she has to say and where things go from here. I doubt that I will need any post-operative rehab on that finger as I do not expect to have any problems with function. I also doubt that I will have any recurrence of the ganglion as it sounds as if she got it all out. Why I got it in the first place is anybody's guess, as doctors don't really know what causes them, but they can be the result of leaking synovial fluid out of a degenerating joint that is arthritic. That may well have been the cause of mine, but again, until next week when my sutures are removed, I won't know much of anything about what happened, what the doctor did and what to expect post-op wise. It's the not knowing that always gets me. That is what freaked me out before the surgery and that is what is bothering me now. I have one more week until I see the doctor and until then, there isn't much else I can do but sit tight and try to relax and not worry too much. Of course, I am a worrier by nature anyway, but since there isn't any point in doing so since it's such a waste of emotional energy, I just need to stop imagining the worst and try to stay calm, cool and collected. Yeah. Easier said than done!

Ow, ow, OW!

OK, the surgical drugs have all worn off - all the sedatives and anesthesia and all that, and now the pain has begun to be felt from the incision. It hurts quite a lot, but not bad enough to take the pain meds that I was prescribed. I took some yesterday as a hedge for when the drugs would wear off, but by the time they finally did, I was already asleep. As it was, I spent the greater part of yesterday sleeping off all of the surgical meds. After feeling so tense all week in anticipation of this surgery, it felt rather nice just to be able to relax and get some rest. This morning I still felt slighty light headed, but that wore off as soon as I got some substantial food into my stomach. I didn't eat much for most of yesterday because I felt woozy and light headed and sleepy and all I wanted to do was to crash out and sleep off all the medication in my system. I took today off of work to get some more rest and to get my feet back underneath me again. I feel pretty good aside from my finger aching like it does but that ought to feel better once the Tylenol kicks in. Now the main source of concern for me is how much this is going to cost me, because I very much get the feeling that my insurance is not going to cover this and that I will be slapped with an enormous medical bill that I cannot pay all of right away. Just add that on to my other medical debts that keep mounting...after all, I am becoming like so many Americans who now find that just because they have health insurance does not guarantee that they won't be shouldering huge medical bills. Medical insurance companies, more and more, are becoming loath to pay claims and are foisting more and more of the cost of health care on to the patients, most of whom cannot afford to pay for it. But then, this has been my ongoing rant and I could go on and on about it, so I'll spare you readers any more of that. So suffice it to say that I am feeling fine, post-surgery, and hoping that this whole thing will be overwith soon enough so that I can get my life back to a two-handed normal existence!

Successful surgery

The surgery this morning on my left hand seems to have gone well and the cyst was successfully removed in its entirety. It turns out to have been a ganglion after all and not anything more serious than that, which takes a huge burden off of me, worry-wise. The numbness is finally beginning to gradually disappear (it's 5:30 p.m. as I write this and surgery was at 8:30 a.m. this morning). I can feel and move my middle finger a bit and my thumb is beginning to feel a little tingly as well. They numbed a nerve in my hand and put me into a so-called "twilight sleep", but I seem to have gone completely out. I don't remember a single thing and I remember very little about gradually coming out of the anesthesia, either. I guess that's kind of what it does to you - it kind of causes some temporary short term memory loss. I've been sleeping most of the afternoon, partly as a result of the anesthesia and partly the result of pain medication that they gave me that makes me feel woozy. I don't feel any pain yet because my hand is still quite numb but I feel like that is gradually disappearing. They gave me a kind of anesthetic for my hand that lasts 8-12 hours, so it probably won't completely wear off until much later tonight. I'm off work tomorrow, too, so I have the whole day to just rest, sleep and hope that my hand doesn't hurt too much. In fact, I am just now beginning to feel the very first hints of post-surgical pain. Tiny twinges, admittedly, but enough to remind me that it will probably hurt a lot worse later on unless the pain meds I have taken since my release keep working. They wanted me to start on them right away in order to get it into my system so that it would be there when the numbness wears off, which it is gradually beginning to do. I am just glad to finally be rid of that painful cyst and I hope never to get another one. This one has been bad enough as it is, but if I do get more of these things in the future, having had one surgically removed at least allows me to know what to expect. And of course, all of the anticipation of this thing turned out to be much worse than the surgery itself. I wasn't there for it and was completely out cold and didn't feel a thing. And I've spent the day feeling pleasantly relaxed and a tad woozy, which is OK by me, since I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. It's just nice to feel so relaxed after a very tense week of anticipation of this thing.

Farewell, Bill Schultz

On Sunday, May 4th, not only was the 38th anniversary of the shootings at Kent State being commemorated, but the life and work of City Councilman-at-large Bill Schultz was also being celebrated by a Dixieland-style band parade downtown, which stopped at the Main Street Bridge and then went down to the Franklin Mills Riveredge Park to plant a serviceberry tree in his honor. The band went down and played some more as people gathered to throw dirt in the spot around where the tree had been planted to help fill it all in. It was both merry and a tad melancholy to remember such a remarkable man who gave his entire life to public service. Anyone who is anyone in Kent showed up at the ceremony and it was kind of like "old home week" in Kent as nearly everyone I knew was present. The music was simply amazing and to have such a festive event in Kent on a bright, beautiful spring day was absolutely perfect. People marched behind the band down Main Street wearing Mardi Gras beads and dancing to the music in a happy remembrance of our long time friend's amazing life. Bill's family was present, too, and visibly enjoying the day and the music and the smiles and the camaraderie of everyone who was there. If only Kent could find a reason to do something like that more often! Of course, it was Bill's wish to be remembered in this fashion, so this was a fulfillment of his final wish, and wow, what a way to go out of this world! That's the way it ought to be, especially when someone has led a very full and active life as he did. It was touching, it was fun, and there was just the slightest touch of bittersweet to the entire ceremony, but to have a tree planted that will stand as a permanent and living memorial to our friend is the perfect ending to his life and a testament to his love and stewardship of the environment. Farewell, Bill. You are missed.

HAND SURGERY
On Thursday, I am having surgery on my left index finger to remove some kind of painful cyst that I have had for a long time. The picture on the left says that it's a "mucous cyst" and that may well be what it is, but it's more than likely a ganglion, or maybe it's not. The reason they want to operate is that it could be one of several different things, from a large cell tumor (not cancerous, thank goodness!) to some other possible diagnoses, so they want to remove it and take a look at it to find out what it is. I guess they're going to have to put me out and the surgery will last, from what I am told, an hour, and then I will have to spend time in recovery and be off work anywhere from one day to one week, depending. I am a complete nervous wreck over this because I really don't know what to expect, post-surgery. I know that my mom's going to have to take me over and bring me home, and I have to be there at 7 a.m. for surgical prep, and the surgery is scheduled for 8:30 a.m. The last time I had anything removed, it was four wisdom teeth 30 years ago and that was a perfectly miserable experience that had painful complications that made me very sick. So I am really scared about this whole thing and I hope that it all goes smoothly and without any complications. I'm not the calmest person as it is even when I have to go either to a doctor or even to physical therapy. It does a real number on my stomach and it takes me forever to calm down afterward. My blood pressure is always higher than normal because of the nerves and I can feel the effect on my body when this happens. I'm just going to have to relax and hope that all goes well and that I can come home Thursday afternoon and just crash out and sleep off the anesthesia and not feel too crappy.

KSU May 4th - 38 years later

Yesterday marked the 38th anniversary of May 4th at Kent State, and even though it was a beautiful sunny day with occasional cool breezes that made it feel a tad chilly, only about 400 people showed up to the commemorative program held on the Commons. I found that a tad ironic, considering the similarities between the Vietnam War and the current Iraq War, but I think that with the current economic situation occupying so many people, the Iraq War has kind of fallen off of people's radar screens as a political issue. Most folks right now are more concerned about being able to afford to put gas in their cars and pay for groceries than worrying about a war halfway across the world. Anyway, the keynote speaker, Scott Ritter, was a former Iraq weapons inspector, a former Marine and current firefighter in New York, and he gave a powerful speech about the obligations of citizenhood, about our collective neglect of the Constitution that he, as a Marine, was sworn to defend. He asked us how we could, as citizens, defend that which we are ignorant of, and called on us to be better citizens and acquaint ourselves with our Constititution and what it means with regard to our rights and obligations as Americans. Ritter pulled no punches, but it was a very inspiring and powerful speech that ended with a standing ovation from the audience. He even asked us how many of us could honestly say that we knew what was in the Constitution, and I proudly raised my hand. You see, I keep a copy on my desk at work at all times. Libraries are just one of the places that have been under attack by our administration with this so-called "Global War on Terror", so as a library employee, I feel as if it's my obligation to know my rights and those of my library patrons. Ritter also asked us what we learned from Vietnam, and by all accounts, not a whole lot. We're seeing the same kind of war of aggression being waged right now in Iraq and it's become the same kind of quagmire that Vietnam was. If we pull out, they say, it will descend into chaos, so we must stay, despite the fact that, by all appearances, the whole thing looks like having a tiger by the tail - you can't let go, but you can't keep holding that tiger, either. So Ritter urged us to continue to disagree with the government, to call it to account for its actions and to be responsible American citizens and to read and defend our Constitutional rights whenever and wherever possible. Sure, a few folks I know took issue with Ritter's constant mention of patriotism, but hey, the guy's an ex-Marine, already. Frankly, I didn't mind a bit. In fact, as historian and author Howard Zinn says, "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism." I could not agree more.

25 YEARS AND STILL GOING STRONG

This past Friday (May 2nd) marked my 25th anniversary at my job. Hard to believe it's been so long, and that I have only 5 more years left before I retire. I'm looking forward to being able to either work closer to home or work for myself or just do something different. I'm tired, and although I have lived through both good and bad times at work, I am looking forward to some change. I hate having to wake up so early and drive 15 miles through every kind of weather that NE Ohio can dish out in a year's time. And with gas prices not likely to ever come down again, it's looking more and more like a big chunk of my monthly budget will continue to be transportation costs. Not having to shoulder that anymore will certainly save me a good sum of money. And my car will be paid off about the time that I retire, so it will be mine, free and clear, so no more car payments will also save me a lot of money as well. If I manage to successfully certify as a T'ai Chi instructor in the next few weeks, then I can either start my own business when I retire or work for Jason at Breakaway Sports Training, something I've already suggested to him as a possibility. So we'll see what happens down the road, but for now, I can honestly celebrate my silver anniversary on the job knowing that I have put in 25 good years of hard work at my job and feel proud of my accomplishments there.

The "Wright" stuff

Oh, my, how the 24 hour news cycles are feasting on the whole Rev. Jeremiah Wright thing. It's a story that simply refuses to die, and now people seem to be thinking that the whole thing may have dealt a fatal blow to the Obama campaign. As if! You have to wonder just how much of this is being orchestrated by the Clinton campaign as a way to try to put Obama away and crown Hillary the Democratic nominee once and for all. I wouldn't put it past them to try to do this to Obama since he's come so far so fast. I mean, OK, so this pastor has said some pretty wacky things, but what seems to be lost on people is the fact that this guy is Obama's former pastor, as in, the guy is no longer in charge of the church to which Obama goes. He may have been at one time the pastor of that church, but the media has made a point of calling Wright Obama's former pastor, so why all the brou-ha-ha, except for the fact that the guy married Obama and his wife, baptized his children and even blessed his home? And anyway, who cares what this guy has been saying in the past few news cycles? He's obviously greatly enjoying his 15 minutes of fame so much that he's using it to make overtly inflammatory statements, perhaps as a way to keep himself in the headlines. Strikes me as a bit of self aggrandizement, from where I sit, and it's not doing Obama any great favors, and I think that Wright could care less, so long as he gets to make the rounds of the talk shows and makes front pages of newspapers and magazines.

Why isn't anybody talking about the real issues like health care, gas prices, the economy, education and the like? That's what people care about and what people want to know the answers to, not some wacky preacher's inflammatory statements that have been played and re-played half to death on YouTube and the 24 hour news programs. And yet, the media tastes blood and wants more of it - oh, what a glorious chance to take down a shining star in the political spectrum! They play the most inflammatory snippets of Wright's speeches in hopes that it will sway people to shy away from Obama and hand over the nomination to the person who, just a year ago, was practically celebrating her own coronation as the likely Democratic nominee, until this young upstart came along and stole her thunder and her place in the spotlights. You almost get the impression that it's the media who decides who gets nominated, not the people, and the fact that right now they are fanning the flames of racism is repugnant to me, whether or not I support Obama. Oh, look, it's a wacky black preacher saying some really nasty things - let's keep playing them every few minutes for 24 hours straight to drive home the fact that this black candidate cannot be trusted! Puh-LEEZ! Do they have nothing better to do with their time than to keep harping on the same thing over and over and over again? Do they even care that gas prices are driving more and more people deeper into poverty? Do they care that health care costs have gotten so exhorbitant that even we insured people cannot afford to take care of ourselves? Honestly, I am so tired of all of this internecine warfare between the Democrats and what damage it's doing to the party that if this thing isn't resolved soon, it may well have dealt a fatal death blow to the Dems chances of capturing the White House in November. And that would be tragic, to say the least.