Run down, worn out and tired

After what has been most decidedly a very stressful and exhausting year, I am feeling just a touch of depression even though I take an anti-depressant medication. I think I'm just run down, worn out and tired and the fact that I haven't had any significant time off since Christmas hasn't helped a lot, either. It's been a trying year for my health and compounded by financial woes, it's not made anything any easier to deal with lately. I'm so hoping that this upcoming vacation will be just the tonic I need to get me over these feelings and will inject back into me some good feelings that I am badly in need of. I have to wonder if my recent feelings of fatigue, malaise and disinterest in keeping house are due in part to the way I've felt emotionally of late. I seem to always feel so tired and run down and I suspect that this is just a symptom of some mild depression that has overcome me of late that I need to deal with. I guess it's just the feeling of being powerless to deal with things that are completely out of my control - the ridiculous costs of fuel, food and medical care, and the knowledge that Washington has been so paralyzed by partisan bickering that nothing is bound to get done about any of this any time soon. You can call or write legislators but it's a known fact that the red-blue gap in Washington will probably not be bridged for a very long time and nothing is going to be accomplished until there is some bipartisanship to solve problems instead of trying to score political points at the other party's expense. I think that work is also wearing me down just a bit. People have been in a decidely snippy mood all summer and I think it's because we're all tired and run down from staff medical leaves and vacations and having to pick up extra workloads as a result. It's a tough time of year because we all want vacation time during the summer and it's a real juggle to fill workloads when people go away for a while. I feel slightly guilty because I am going on vacation for three weeks starting next week and I know that people probably resent me for it, but hey, I've more than earned this over the past year and I really need the time off. I'm exhausted and feeling vaguely cranky as a result and I just need a battery recharge away from here to get me back on my emotional feet again. I just hope that this upcoming vacation will accomplish just that and not leave me feeling even more exhausted and drained. That is the last thing I need right now. I just need to be with friends who understand me and what I've been going through. I need to feel as if there is still something deep down inside of me that I can tap on to regenerate my usually dormant creative juices. I need to feel as if there is a reason to do all of this and to accomplish something useful. I guess you could say that right now, I just feel burned out and need to be away from familiar surroundings and in a place that I feel things that I can't feel anywhere else. The only drawback is the post-vacation letdown and the return to the usual grind. That's perhaps the toughest part of all. And the part I least look forward to after a good long rest like this. But for now, I have three long weeks of down time to look forward to, so I may as well just perk up and get myself ready for what will hopefully be a very desperately needed vacation and a good time on top of it all. I hope.

MEINE LIEBE SCHWESTER AUS DEUTSCHLAND

Pictured to the left are my sister Emily, her husband Chris and their two daughters, Katina, age 15, and Elena, age 13. They live in Erding, Germany, where this picture was taken, and my sister has made her home there for nearly 20 years now. I wish she lived closer and that I could see her more often, but she did make a very brief visit to the US to attend her 30th High School reunion recently, having just returned home to her family this week. Unfortunately, I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I would have hoped, as she always has a busy social life when returning home to the States. She has many friends with whom she wants to spend time and I totally understand that. I'd probably be much the same way if I were in her shoes. Still, it gets tough feeling as if I almost have to make an appointment to get time with her whenever she visits, particularly if it's as short a visit as this most recent one, which for once did not coincide with one of my vacations in late summer that take me out of state. I miss her more than words can say, and yes, I can e-mail and call her from time to time, but it's not the same as being in the same room sitting and talking to her. We're both the middle children of our family and as such, I always felt a sort of protectiveness toward her since she's the next one born after me, almost 3 years to the day. Our birthdays are one week apart, hers being the later one in the month, and so I kind of regarded her as my late 3rd birthday present growing up, a baby sister for whom I could protect and defend against all comers. Now she has the unenviable task of raising teenage daughters, who are naturally going through the usual adolescent angst that comes with being that age. You're not an adult yet, but you're hardly a child, either. There is that urge to break free from parental controls and test your own wings, and yet you're not quite mature enough to make adult decisions about certain things, either. I have every confidence that my nieces will survive this trying time in their lives and turn out to be fabulously successful young women who have already shown signs of blossoming into real beauties that will doubtless attract many young men eager to court them. I do hope that someday they will marry and bear children, because they are, after all, the only carriers of our father and mother's genetic line, since none of the rest of us married (well, except for my elder sister's brief and sadly unsucessful marriage to a fellow artist that fell apart after seven years together) or had kids. Sometimes I regret my decision to stay single, but it wasn't for lack of trying. I just never found "Mr. Right" that was my other half, that's all. I would have loved to have had children and been a mother, but that wasn't fated to be, sadly. And now I am 51 and I see in my nieces all the positive signs that they are bright, beautiful, talented children who will make my sister and her husband proud as they grow into their adult years and decide the future courses of their lives. I'm proud of my sister for having two lovely children who have enhanced our family by their existence. I just wish that they lived closer so that I could be more involved in their lives, but alas, that wasn't fated to be, either. Ah, well, there's always the mail and good old fashioned letter writing......