I'll admit it, people largely disappoint me. I think I know or trust them, then they go do something stupid that just shatters that whole trust thing and then I find myself crushed and disappointed in them. I've grown tired of trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. It just leads to no good. Maybe I suck at finding people to trust, maybe I'm too gullible, I don't know. I do know that for years, I've kept everyone at arm's length and let no one in close to me to protect myself. It gets rather lonely at times living this way, but I've lost so much trust for people that it just seems easier to carry on relationships via Facebook or some other indirect way of dealing with people. I wish I'd had better experiences with people over the years but I seem to have made perpetually bad choices in who I become friends with, so it's easier just not to have any or to have very few and keep it that way. I'm rather reserved by nature as it is and I have never made friends very easily. I have often felt like a real oddball because I am so not like most people I know. I'm an extremely picky eater, I have weird tastes in things that most people cannot understand (yeah, I admit to being a very serious history geek, among other things), I'm not witty, funny or clever like everyone else I know and I don't look for the silly or absurd things in life like other people I know. I don't smile easily and I frankly don't find too many things to be very funny. In other words, I have a rather serious demeanor and that turns off a lot of people. Oh, I'm not lacking in humor, but I'm just not someone who can riff off funny lines or witty repartee in a conversation. It's always bothered me that I am not talented with this skill. At a party, you're more likely to see me hanging back and quietly observing instead of participating. Most of that stems from a lack of self confidence and a general reserve in a crowd situation and the realization that I am not the slightest bit aware of anything pertaining to pop culture. I have no references from which to draw so I can't really participate in conversations anyway. There is also the natural fear that, if I start talking to someone, I might actually end up becoming their friend and they may just find some way to disappoint me down the road and I am sick and tired of that kind of thing happening over and over again. So it's just easier to hang back and say little to nothing. But it sure gets lonely at times. Well, I guess that I will have to do a better job of feeling people out and vetting them to find out whether or not they are worth my time. I guess I've been no good at that most of my life and I've paid dearly for it. So many of my friendships have ended up becoming merely ships passing in the night, remaining friends for a while until a job change takes them to some other place, and then we lose touch and the relationship ends. And so it goes. I just wonder why so many people in my life end up being such a huge disappointment to me. Time to sit down and figure out why I seem to be associating with the wrong kinds of people..........
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