Once a Catholic, always a Catholic?

I was raised Roman Catholic, albeit not quite in the same manner as my mother, who attended Catholic school from grades 1 through 12. I only attended Catholic school through grade 3, and upon entering 4th grade, transferred to public schools. I still attended Sunday Mass and had to go to Catechism afterward, but it was around 7th or 8th grade or so that we left the Catholic Church, never to return. Still, those experiences in my formative years most definitely left an indelible impression that remains to this day. I currently attend the local Unitarian Universalist Church, where I've been going for the past 15 years and have been active on several committees as well as our Adult Religious Exploration program. Still, in spite of this, I find that I can never really completely shake off the old Catholicism of my youth. It informs my sense of ethics, right and wrong as well as the fact that it also helps me to find a sacred place in which to "ground and center" when I feel as if I need it. This time of year in particular, during Advent and Christmas, I find myself burning a lot of frankincense and myrrh incense and playing a lot of decidedly religious music here at home. In particular, I find that I really like Gregorian Chant or Renaissance choral music because it somehow reminds me of the old High Masses of my childhood, which were characterized by an incense filled procession down the nave of the church, which was filled with ceremonial chant and the entire Mass was sung in chant as well. It was all very mysterious and beautiful and gave you a real sense of the sacred. Masses in those days were in Latin, which I didn't understand a word of, but I didn't really care, either, because it gave it an air of the mysterious and sacred. I suppose in retrospect you could say that it was great theatre, and it was, because it very successfully achieved what it set out to do, and that was to put you on a different plane of existence and to create a sense of the holy. I loved it and when Masses were switched to the vernacular, and then went to these awful "folk masses", something was lost. I remember a lot of the old Italian matriarchs who sat in the pews with their large extended families, lace mantillas on their white haired heads and crystal rosaries clutched in their time worn hands, and how they seemed to disappear when the Mass was spoken in English and then went folk. Doubtless they spoke little English and were put off by not being able to follow the Mass as they could when it was in Latin.

One thing I find interesting, in retrospect, was how much emphasis seemed to be put on Mary, mother of Jesus, and a lot of the female saints. Our parish was mostly made up of Italian families, and it leads me to wonder if Italian Catholicism tends to be more "Marian" oriented. I've spoken to friends raised in other ethnic Catholic parishes and it does seem that the worship differs depending on the ethnicity of the parish. I remember how we girls were taken into the church and how we stood before the stained glass windows of female saints and how we were told to emulate their lives. St. Therese of Liseux, in particular, stands out in memory because she died of consumption at age 24 and I remember thinking that I didn't want to die young like that, so why should I try to live like her? Looking back, I remember how skeptical I was of a lot of the things that we were taught, even as a small girl. I could not figure out how this God that was supposed to be so merciful and good could allow my father to die so young and leave behind a young family like that. Whenever I would ask the priests and the nuns about that, they would just tell me that I had to accept it on an article of faith that it was meant to happen, but I simply could not do that. I wanted concrete answers, not just some pablum handed down from on high from a nun or a priest. I suppose this tended to cause me to be a bit rebellious in school because I wasn't easily satisfied by answers to my tough questions. I remember the confusion of Confirmation and how we were told that we were now becoming "soldiers of Christ". What in the hell did that mean, anyhow? It was all so utterly confusing to my young mind what we were being taught and as a result, I never really fully embraced my childhood Catholic faith. Still, some part of it all has left a permanent impression on me and as a result, I find myself still drawn to what friends of mine call the "smells and bells" part of it all, that being using music and incense to bring myself to a sacred place in my life when I feel like I need it. So I suppose it is somewhat true what Father Andrew Greeley once told me in a lengthy e-mailed conversation I was having with him not long ago, "Once a Catholic, always a Catholic." (PS - I've worn a St. Brigid of Kildare cross necklace since 1989 and I also have a St. Christopher medallion on my key ring, so there are just some things you can never quite get past when you've been raised Catholic, especially pre-Vatican II Catholic. In some ways, I am hopelessly "old school" in my old Catholic school ways....comes with the territory, I suppose!)